Bookends

Conversing with my parents is a sure ticket to the twilight zone.  Good cop (dad) is very understanding.  He certainly empathize with my wanderlust, having run away from home when he was 14.  He listened attentively when I told him about my narrowing career choices, and actually imparted some logical wisdom.  It was like a powerpoint presentation, as we hammered out itinerary by each month, my return plans, a even their retirement allowance.

It was the first time that I explained to him the vagaries of investment banking and grad schools and my plans for the next three years.  He was almost too understanding — cause I began to think, 'Wait a minute, I have nothing to rebel against – mayday mayday!!!'

Bad cop (mom) comes with guns blazing. She aims for the proverbial heart with all the emotional arrows a mother can muster, testing the strength of my decisions against her extreme views.  Dad focused more on my future, but mom lasered on the poor decisions I've made.  And of course, Mom likes to drop gossip about what others have said, and following her breadcrumbs I find what Adam has been spouting off about me. Mom did most of the talking – and each part of my life was dissected into what I did wrong, how far I've strayed from my childhood, how I make her worried so.  Of course, none of it is my fault, because according to her, I'm easily influenced.

Talking to my parents always makes me feel as if I'm trapped between preposterous bookends.  They can never truly be a part of my current life, so they revive my past decisions and rehearse my future choices.  It's like some twilight zone, where I become the bystander as the ghosts of the Future and Past devour my memories and thoughts to their own delight.

And so while I see myself as finally going off in my inevitable adventure, in the twilight zone, I am a lonely uninspired vascillating twentysomething sorely in need of the safe confines of grad school.  Go figure.  Well, I'll be flipping the pages on Sunday.

good analogy. mom's suck

Posted by: kyle | December 04, 2005 at 12:20 PM

yeah, they'll deal, but when you've been brought up on a guilty conscience as i have been, it makes going on your own a little tougher.

Posted by: j.fisher | December 05, 2005 at 01:54 PM

i'm heading to china myself this summer. i'd like to see mongolia and tibet. if you're still around, perhaps we can meet in the gobi desert.

Posted by: ink | December 11, 2005 at 04:18 PM

This was a great entry.

The phrase...

"They can never truly be a part of my current life, so they revive my past decisions and rehearse my future choices"

...shows that you are a great writer because it says something I have wanted to say, and does so with eloquence.

Just gotta keep at it.

Posted by: Vinny | December 19, 2005 at 05:46 AM

oh boy...dauntingly verbatim of the thoughts ending this year and commencing 2006...i could easily ignore the childish guilt cast upon me, but i am still living in the shadows to meeting their expectations—with time, it doesn't get better. I will undoubtedly never amount to even being close to achieving "enough" for them. I've accepted that much. be glad you don't live at home. hope you had a good holiday break!!!!

Posted by: sweetestcutie | January 03, 2006 at 09:06 PM