Dear Bingo

Happy belated!

I found another journal entry from 2007 this time:

"Bingo came the next day! From college til now, I haven't seen the girl but once. It was Bulgaria for her and Asia for me, and now it was like unwrapping candy, like finding a pair of favorite shoes, or the B-sides of a good rock band, or.. or a dollar in your pocket... she came she came to visit and we spent the afternoon walking around in our memories."

I still think this is true – one of these days I'd love to take a walk again.

I think I'm most myself during those times with you. Not like I'm not myself now, but I think that small window - when there were no dependencies really, and we only had to deal with ourselves.. and we were so angry about that, huh.

I hope in some small way, as we deal with commutes and spouses and kids and putting the dishes in the dishwasher and making sure the forks go with the forks and the spoons go with the spoons that we find the way back to ourselves? I'm starting to do that this year by writing again. Part of it is Madeleine telling me that she wishes I would do the thing I liked because she knows I really like writing – and part of it is being inspired by you, or memories of how very dramatic and alive and very close to the liminal state of honest truth I was during those years. I wouldn't want to return; but I like some parts of me then, and somehow I associate being your friend with that. Or at least you at the very least gave me persmission peer over the edge (sometimes daring me to go closer!).

Who will your parents stay w when they're old? You or T or some other situation? I think my mom for sure wants to stay with me. It's not really time for that yet, but time moves quickly. Which part of the day do you listen to the inside voice, when you have time for yourself?

If I had my way, I'd just putter around my garden, write until I'm happy with the words that flow, and watch the kid grow up.

I dunno what I'm really saying, just that it's a weird and interesting time as my life isn't quite my life and that's ok, because in between parents and jobs and family and everything going on with the world, I think I still hear a little voice.

Do you find sometimes that we're more with it than our parents? That sometimes they're looking to us for a sense that things will be ok?

I guess the words come slowly now, but I'm gonna get back to it. Thanks for cracking the door open.

And yes, I don't care about distance or time or whatever, I think weirdly, our friendship is a living warm evolving thing that even if dormant in the winter of our 30s, it's ready to go when it's spring again. Or at least, that's how I feel!

Another song for you! Madeleine and I have been getting into this song:

Later bingo,

Josh