If you fail well then you fail
Sometimes I get in these moods - can't help it can't stop can't really predict it. It's usually when I'm walking. Walking and not really thinking. Walking is my meditation where thoughts and things buried sprout new branches and flower into blooms that exasperate and sink me deeper into the beautiful process of remembering and forgetting, forgetting and developing, resolution and desolate hope.
I walked out of work and am freed, unburdened by burdens that were not necessarily mine, but also freed to grab hold of my own burdens and have their conclusions weighed upon me, allowing my roots to spread and grow into the ground sprinkled with my choices...
I love when Manhattan sometimes reveals herself as an island, caressed by lapping waters against her sides. I waited for the light to change today under a darkening sky. As I looked to my left I saw pink clouds reflecting back the setting sun, and then I looked right and saw the street stretching to the end of the pier, where the sun drenched his golden beard into the rainbowed waters.
I felt my toes wriggled in my shoes, pressed against my socks, pressing on the sidewalk with each step that scraped against the pavement. I walked home passed the hipsters leaning against bar windows and pandhandlers on sullen corners – nodded to the the creaky kneed and tired matrons hawking battered tomes – and rushed by the kids whooped whooping along the dark side alleyways. The sky accelerated away from me in a rush of bluesy purples streaked by gray ripples and the promise of darker indigoes to come. And my footsteps continued to echo in the quiet of my own making.
I pressed the repeat button cause the lyrics really were getting to me, fingering under my carefully constructed house of cards, my Lego blocks of denial and forgetting and optimism and willful ignorance; me on the upswing-ing and their words undercutting my crescendo with their mess of forlorn sincerities. The words were pummeling my fears and I was afraid of thinking about them, cause once you think about something you can never take it back, you can't unthink something – you can't make it vanish, no matter how vapid it is. Once you think about something you have to confront it and stare it down – straight on – and fight it and find a way to pull the sword from the stone and hope it isn't rusted and hope that its fears are greater than your fear of it. And I didn't really want to think about it cause what does it matter anyways when I'm going to do it. No matter that I don't know how to do it, cause what does it matter if I'm going to do it?
I've been at this edge a thousand times before and after a while it all seems the same but this time, no more slow footing it, time to turn up the volume and stare it straight down and see what comes of it.
Sometimes I get into these moods, and I can't really help it. It gets under me and heaves from below, welling up inside and pressing hard until the sky is pushed away.
Now we've got something to prove
and I, I can see their eyes
But tell me something,
Can they see mine
Cause what's left to lose,
I've done enough
And if I fail well then I fail
But I gave it a shot
dude, Lego has 1 "g"
when you get in those moods, it just means you need to get laid!
Posted by: kyle | October 27, 2005 at 02:07 PM
damm - i always think of the leggo my eggo commercials back when we were kids.. them some tasty waffles.
i can get out of this mood, but what am i gonna do with the STDs and more importantly how am i gonna get the crack whorish hairy legged (two g's) beauty outta bed when it's all good and done with? beer goggles don't last as long as they used to.
Posted by: j.fisher | October 27, 2005 at 02:30 PM