I had an interview with an investment bank the other day. Part of me still wonder why I accepted the interview. Another part feels beat down enough to get the reason. After some 9 months of interviewing, accepting, rejecting and pretty much failing at landing a job I wanted, there was that temptation to fall back on something I didn't want.
How'd it go?
The interview ended up with these lines:
Interviewer: It looks like you need to figure out what you want to do, you've had a very untraditional path thus far. You're smart enough, of course – you got into Wharton.. do you ever think about the choices that you've made?
Me: Oh certainly. I've been very happy with my decisions thus far. It has given me fuller experiences; yes, I have chosen paths that may be different from my peers, but I believe I bring skill sets and knowledge that reflects my ability to take risks.
Interviewer: Well... uh, good luck to you then.
Me: Thank you. And to you, also!
Interviewer (walking out the door): Yes of course – life is short, live it while you're young, right? Or something like that! [insert smirk].
We both laughed.
We were both in suits, staring at each other across the room. I could have been a Martian, for all he knew. But he didn't know – anything about how I choose to live my life, how there were other existences outside his own, how life was so much bigger than the corporate ladder and escrow deals and pitchbooks. He was an engineer, then an engineer some more, then a banker. I don't think he had ever taken a 'time out' once in his life. He tossed names of famous financiers out like merit badges. Deal-stats rolled off his tongue.
And there I was, trying to talk in his language. Instead of my own. He was proud of his numbers. I could've told him about smoking hashish with the Bedouins, or reading Ghandi's words in Laos. Anything. But I had purposefully put myself in his world and it was weird, to be back. And I spent time trying to fit my variables into his equations. The answer didn't compute.
I suppose it's an adult reflex to think about money. I had chosen a life that led away from year end bonuses and becoming a millionaire by 30. I remember that decision. It was a conscious choice in April 2004. Yet here I am, still ensnared by it – a momentary relapse – thinking that it could be possible. It's a temptation each day, when the 'prospective' job leads dry up – to start interviewing at banks again. But I am all the more happier, and at certain moments, like when the light hits my Moleskin, it seems unexpectedly right – what I am doing.
My dad and I haven't spoken to each other since July. We had a blowout when, in great parental-technique, he strung out each of my choices in the past 7 years and lay them over his road-map for me. Add in a heavy dose of guilt, high-handedness and choice button-pushing and it was pretty much a KO for both sides.
The funny thing is he was right: my choices have been pretty bad... when you compare it to his standards. It's a tough choice to break out and find your own happiness – it often occurs at the expense of someone else's happiness, that give and take, the creation and destruction of relationships occur at each juncture. But I'm too far in now to give up. It's my own bonehead self that can't stop. But however bad it is, it can't compare to the utter suffocating self-loathing of the pursuit of money.
Sigh, I remember several similar ones. This one private bank was the best one. The woman and I looked into each other's eyes and we both knew it was a waste of time for all involved. Thing is though, when the right job comes along they don't question your choices, etc., they want you precisely because of the background you have you know? So all for the best.
Posted by: vinny | September 10, 2007 at 11:04 AM
How presumptuous of that interviewer to imply that there's something wrong with your choices! It's so judgemental. But I guess that's what interviews are... they're always judging you. It's enough to make one sick of the whole corporate charade.
It's depressing that in order to be gainfully employed, you have to present a certain image and pretend to be something you're not. You have to fall in line with everyone else. But I think that if you keep looking you'll find something that's right! The job search sucks, but it takes strength to hold out for the "right" job. Good luck!!
Posted by: sanguine smile | September 11, 2007 at 06:50 AM
I haven't been out in the work force in so long. The interviewing process sounds miserable. I guess it is kind of like a game? You have to be willing to play to some extent. The key is to remember is that it's a game. But people take life so seriously these days.
Posted by: Laura | September 11, 2007 at 02:43 PM
And see? The people that wanted you took you no matter what. I am happy for you dude. Was fun being on the struggle together. To many more :)
Posted by: vinny | October 05, 2007 at 09:25 AM