Eight years ago I was an investment banker flailing for a life line. Now I'm wiser, with a few more years and experiences and the fork in the road looks familiar. There's the pull of the road: the thrill of new experiences and wonder and learnings that have changed me – but not enough, it seems to really live differently. The cast remains the same, a new set of clothes with the same threads – the idea that to be happy is to have stability. A job, a family, a relationship and constancy that I can go back to each day.
I cracked the puzzle before, took off but then realized that even on the road, money was something everyone needed. And on the road, there was a desire to create something, to give back to the world, to the continuum of humanity, to leave something that mattered instead of just taking in experiences. But now, in the middle of doing stuff, I find that experiences are lacking. The daily hum drum threatens to drown out my inner voice, one that strives to see beyond the bend, to witness life lived, to find meaning in things that don't require a proof of purchase.
Plans are set. Work to make some amount of money, then what? Then to buy a house so that there's always a place to live. Then what? Then probably kids - why? So that my parents can feel rested, like they've contributed something back to the human continuum. But kids to me don't feel like that. That's not what I see as the result of my work, of the things I've witnessed and experienced. After kids, then what?
I'm tired of working for someone else, to do things that increases consumption of mindless things. I suppose this platform in its truest essence allows people to communicate, to express themselves and to learn about the world. I suppose I can take some solace in that. But the reality is that it sucks. I feel stuck in this city, this path and this life. I feel stuck in five year increments, working so that I can live the way I should really be living now. I'm impatient. And annoyed. And depressed. And I know that I'm unreasonable and blessed and gifted with all this potential.
So what? Dig it out. Stay with it. What do I really want?