To you, perhaps to me

Yun,

Thanks so much dude -- sorry for getting back to you so late but I'm afraid I've been so busy with work and trying to live out how I want to live (a little unsuccessfully) that it has been a little crazy and stressful.

I spent my birthday in the park with Candice and a loaf of bread, some cheese and jam.  Well, I spent most of the afternoon there.  It was lovely and gorgeous — just how a day should be.  The park was green and awake, full of people lounging and lazing and sitting in groups, talking about work and gossiping about nothing at all.  We sat near the turtle pond in front of Belvedere Castle.  I must admit, it was a necessary break, a way for me to unplug from my everyday current. And I lay there, on the lush new grass and listened, feeling the sun on my face, unthinking, aware of the bustling normal-ness surrounding me.  The cherry trees were in bloom, pink splashes across the landscaped pallette. There were trees covered in white blossoms too, and their petals sashayed down to the ground where we sat whenever the warm wind rustled.

I read magazines in the park and dozed for a bit.

It was good – I was so tired because the day before was Wayne's bachelor party – I was with Nobu and 9 other guys.  We had a full day, from noon playing paintball (where my ass got shot a couple of times and the purplish sore is still there, numbing my leg) to a barbecue in Long Island (with all the trimmings! chicken and hot dogs and burgers!) to drinking games that lasted into the night to going out to bars and getting wasted. I didn't get sloshed at all. I was one of the few people who was sober as night came and passed. By the time we headed to K-town to finish off the night with some grub, it was 6 am and so I didn't schlep into bed until 7 am on the 17th.

Anyhoos, it was good times with the boys and another necessary event to get me away from this angst — no, this annoyance that I'm feeling.

Had dinner with my brother and he feels the same way too.

It's still elusive as ever.  I should have grown passed it by now.  My friends are beginning to, but I'm still hitting second gear. I don't think I can ever be comfortable or happy working for other people. Or even being in any sort of organization.  Big corporations or small firms.. any time I work with people, there's all this bullshit, political crap that really. When I distill out all the doubletalk and innuendos, the words filter down to dishonest human emotions and selfishness.  Everyone looks out for themselves, and when you're working with people and money is involved, it always turn ugly and insane.  There's the pressure to succeed and to go faster and to work harder and to become robots of efficiency.  All the soulness of life is gone. I don't understand it. Maybe I'm naive.  I hate that side of human nature – the hunger after money as the source of happiness.  It doesn't come out often – usually, people don't even realize they're hungering after money.. rather, it's just the absence of awareness, the lack of intuition, of realizing priorities and potential.  Somehow, my friends in their twenties can only see what's before them, the glow of a sustainable life surrounded by shiny baubles of societal acceptance, of material comforts (which will forever need more and more) and of safety in the dim awareness that success is what you make of it, especially if it's on your terms--within carefully constructed walls of "no more, no less".  Caution.  Fear the unknown.

My peers graduate from school and think that a job will make them happy.  Although many realize that happiness don't come from their job, but that at the very least, the job will allow them some modicum of respectability in the eyes of others and some level of comfort according to standards which are not their own.  So many go to work at some office, some desk job, and are content. They graduate from grunts to position of seminal authority, governing real impact that brings about changes in the fascinating areas of office processes, zeroes in bank accounts full of zeroes, or powerpoint slides  — they are satisfied with that, making money to buy things, always more and more material things.  They settle into a routine of  work and "not thinking" and the weekend comes and they get dressed up in their uniforms (striped shirts for guys and mini tops for girls) and they go blow their minds away on more purchases, of entertainment that speaks to nothing, that accomplishes nothing, that creates nothing, that serves nothing.  Perhaps they don't want to think about it.  It's much easier to work with what is the current reality rather than changing the paradigm and staking a new way.

It seems to me that all this selfishness masks itself in the pursuit of false happiness, producing a vicious cycle of false wants and hopeless work.  What is everyone working for?  A nice house, car, clothes, etc?  All material products whose intrinsic value just fades, created by slick words and small egos. The only way to sustain your growing wants is to accumulate more.

Typical Buddhist/existential bullshit right?  But I'm tired of it.  I want to create things.  Things that will help people live better, that will make their lives easier.  I want to see what's inside my head become embodiments — I realize that I can only work directly with people – that I can't work with people within contexts that I don't control.  Often times in business relationships, there are ulterior motives (e.g. managers are pressuring subordinates, there are mandates to follow, etc.) and successful business practice equates to the manipulation of emotions and egos and greed to get people to do/buy what you want them to do/buy.  I'd much rather just take away the ulterior motives and work with people directly.  There are things out there like that.  Like cooking.  Or teaching.  Or building something and selling it.  When you cook for someone, they eat and immediately get that satisfaction.  Or when you teach, you directly help your student.  There's no intermediary step of falseness... meh, I'm babbling.

I saw this great idea the other day.  Manufacturing LED lights and selling them to poor nations.  It's apparently much cheaper to use than kerosene and bypasses the problems of electricity and power lines.. And the world is a better place for it.

Less is more.

In any case, I am getting old, *past a quarter century!, and I suppose it's time to take a risk and see what direction my life will be in.  I still have plans to travel after this year.. but I need to save up enough money.  And down the road, I really want to write full time and maybe have a self-sufficient business on the side of some kind.  I was thinking about living in another country for a while, but am not quite sure of how to deal with loneliness, adjustments to new friends, etc. But I think I might give it a try.

In any case, things are generally ok except for the headaches at work. Candice and I are good, more into each other than ever, which means that the break in July (when she takes off to travel) will be harder than I expect.  But then again, c'est la vie, le sans souci, and all that jazz.  We're meant to live you see, live in all our glorious doldrums and apexes, and of course all the great subtle undulations in between.

In any case, thanks for the e-card, it was wonderful and brightened my day – although I don't resort to clubbing people to solve all my problems (that's your method) – but I do appreciate the nod. Hope you are fat and happy (hehe.. just kidding).  Seriously, hope you are joyous in all struggles, hopeful in all fears, happy in all circumstances and true to all the crazy conflicting mournful beliefs
that we share.

Your friend, (after all this time!)

Jack

jack....

i don't know.....! i don't know why talking to you has made me so happy.. maybe it wasn't just talking to you...maybe gaddi vasquez's visit....sharing with him why i joined and how happy i am about my decision....and then talking to you about it again.....i don't know dood. i'm all psyched now...don't think i can sleep anymore! i think it's awesome that you're considering doing it....and i really do think that you'd make a terrific volunteer...there are things that you see, hear, and learn that you can't possibly back home....and i'm not even talking about culturally...things too as we americans cannot possibly fathom living in our "perfect" world......i really do believe that this experience is making me resourceful....i know better now my limits...my strengths and weaknesses.....some of the things i knew about me are confirmed and some are proven otherwise....my mom's happy that i'm really into reading now....and cooking....i guess with limited resource you have to be creative.....and i'm just loving it...joshua.....i'm so happy now...i can't explain it.....i'm so happy with my work....honestly i walked away from that coffee time with vasques thinking that i coulda sounded so much more intelligent.....i answered the questions all the wrong ways....like when he asked what my project was....i answered oh you know...the teaching and side things like penpal programs......well actually i'm working on a whole bunch of things right now....waiting on book donations, writing this grant proposal for a multimedia resource room, rehearsing with my kids for end of the year plays...working as a resource volunteer.....so you asked if i feel like it's worthwhile? hell yea.....i've never felt so productive in my life........i'm losing sleep...but i'm loving it all~ after these two years i'll leave something behind....not only materialistic stuff...but skills of writing and organizing projects.....it's endless what you can do for these people..(at the same time you can only do so much....how ironic) but the relationships you build with your town's people....they truly do take you in as their own.....and it's just one great great thing! i feel like i'm advertising for pc...sorry~ but i love my life....i love me....i love that i can love me the way i do.....ya know cuz if i don't....who will? life's so strange....i understand your worries for after the service....and i did too....but i'm odd in that i thrive on not knowing.....and yea the two years can be time away from opportunities back home of jobs and educations and who knows what else.....but how often do you get to celebrate easter a month after cuz you're on a different calendar....how often do you get to shake your head yes....how often do you get to ride thru the endless fields of sunflowers....how often do you get to can your own food? life's great joshua.....let's just live it.....weeeeee~~

sorry about the psychoness.......freakin eh~ i'm on a pc high or something.....anyways i'm missing you.....

thanks for being my friend (after all this time!) yj